Conan
Wednesday Night, July 11
I don't know if anyone watched soccer today. Yeah? Today, big story: Croatia
beat England in the semifinals of the World Cup. Croatia won. Which is nice.
It's really nice.
It's the first time in a while I've heard people say, "Way to go, Croatia."
Something you don't hear all the time. "Good going, Croat." It's been a
stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with
rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a summit with President
Trump.
It's rough. It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has
changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive,
the new lighting makes Melania look happy.
Sarah Palin is complaining that she was tricked and humiliated by comedian
Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes — apparently 10 years ago he tricked Palin into thinking
she was actually qualified to be vice president.
The founder of Papa John's Pizza used the N-word during a conference call about
how to avoid bad publicity. Yeah. Of course, for Papa John's, the N-word is
nutrition.
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, August 9
According to a new article, former White House aide and "Apprentice" star
Omarosa is in possession of secretly recorded conversations she had with
President Trump. This is all part of the run-up to the release of her new
tell-all book, "Unhinged." This is just shocking. Imagine a cartoonish
reality-show villain getting that kind of access to the Oval Office. And then
having Omarosa tape them.
First it was his lawyer who secretly recorded him, now it's Omarosa. This is
going to be the first time a court case will be delayed for having TOO MUCH
evidence.
A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an
alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. I'm just going to say it:
This emotional support animal thing has officially gone too far.
A liquor store and a live alligator. If only this man had been naked, we
would've had a Florida trifecta. It was so close, so close! The whole thing was
pretty embarrassing, though. The next morning, he had to do the croc of shame.
Obviously, every reporter wants to talk to this guy. He's really getting
swamped. Wow!
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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, July 25
Welcome to "The Late Show,” I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And unlike Donald
Trump, I know I'm being recorded right now. Because, folks, there's a tape! Not
that tape. But still ... and I'm going to tell you all about it in tonight's
"Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition."
Long-time viewers of "Stormy Watch" will recall that Karen McDougal is the
Playboy playmate who claims she had a 10-month affair with Donald Trump.
McDougal’s story was hushed up after she sold the rights to it to the "National
Enquirer" for $150,000. That's $20,000 more than Stormy Daniels. Karen must have
spanked him with two magazines.
Trump denies the affair and any knowledge of that payment, but last night, CNN
obtained one of the 12 secret Trump-Cohen tapes, this one from September 2016.
You can tell it's from 2016 because they're both making a lot of Harambe jokes.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Thursday Night, August 9
Earlier today, Vice President Mike Pence gave a speech at the Pentagon about
creating Trump’s Space Force. Pence began the speech by saying, “I can’t believe
I have to do this.”
Actually, Pence said the military will start forming the U.S. Space Force by the
end of 2018. Then Trump was like, “Consider it my going away present.”
We finally learned about the Space Force chain of command. According to Trump,
it’ll go, “E.T., Yoda, then Groot.”
Rudy Giuliani told CNN the Russia investigation could help Republicans in the
midterms because Americans are getting tired of all the drama. Then America was
like, “We’ve had 62 seasons of ‘Real Housewives’ — we NEVER get tired of drama.”
Some people think all of Giuliani’s interviews are meant to distract and confuse
people about the real issues. Even Trump was like, “It’s working — I have
absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on.”
It just came out that when she worked in the White House, Omarosa secretly
recorded Trump on her phone. I don’t know what’s crazier — the fact that people
keep recording the president, or that Omarosa worked in the White House.
Nintendo fans are worried about Mario’s brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for
a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping “groin-first”
into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him.
SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or as the animals put it, “Must be nice.”
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tuesday Night, July 17
The news today is that our president is a liar, and not even a good one.
President Trump today, in an attempt to explain what the Helsinki was going
through his cotton candy-covered head when he stood next to Vladimir Putin, of
all people, and took sides with Russia over our own American intelligence
agencies, now says it was just a tiny little slip-up — even smaller than his
fists. [Clip of Trump] "In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word WOULD
instead of WOULDN'T. The sentence should have been, 'I don't see any reason why
I wouldn't,' or 'why it wouldn't be Russia.'"
I have to say, when you said "I don't see any reason why it WOULD be Russia,"
for a minute it almost seemed like you were hiding something from us. Like there
was something Putin knew about you that you wanted him to keep quiet. Now it all
makes sense. Boy, I tell ya, Papa John must be at home right now going, “Wait,
you can do that?”
What I want to know is, which genius on his team came up with this idea? Who in
that administration told him it would be good? I bet it was Melania, she hates
him the most.
You think about history and presidents, this is like if Bill Clinton had come
out and said, "Wait, no, I meant to say I DID have sexual relations with that
woman."
Even when our president was forced to sit in front of the world and make this
preposterous claim that he of course knew the Russians tried to meddle with our
elections, he couldn’t help but spread the blame around. [clip] "I have full
faith and support for America's great intelligence agencies, always have. I have
felt very strongly that while Russia's actions had no impact at all on the
outcome of the election, let me be totally clear in saying that … I accept our
intelligence community's conclusion that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election
took place. It could be other people also. There's a lot of people out there."
So maybe it wasn't the Russians at all, maybe it was the Canadians, you know?
Sneaking around, drilling holes in trees. We don't know what they're up to.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, August 9
It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now
officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were
asked, “Who's the president of the United States?” and they replied, “Our idiot
son-in-law.”
In an interview last night, Rudy Giuliani said the Russia investigation is going
to lead to very big reforms, just like Watergate, saying it will be, quote, "A
different kind of Watergate, it's on the side of the investigator." He then
continued, "Yeah, this Trump thing is just like Watergate. No, not THAT kind of
Watergate, a reverse Watergate. I should have never said Watergate. Why did I
say Watergate? Stupid Rudy, stupid!"
According to sources within the White House, many Defense Department officials
do not support President Trump's push to create a military space force. Kind of
like how you don't let your kid pick what car you buy.
Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have
signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even
though we already have one. "Who is it now?” asked Betsy DeVos.
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