Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
Monday Night, January 5
10. Only fresh air you've had this month is opening door for pizza guy
9. You refer to orange juice as FedEx orange juice
8. When wife finishes making dinner, you dump jug of Gatorade on her
7. You schedule an appointment to talk to your doctor about Andy Reid's cholesterol
6. Got a telestrator in the bedroom
5. Three words: Norv Turner tattoo
4. Fantasize about Gisele Bundchen falling in love with you and introducing you
to Tom Brady
3. When you go to McDonald's you insist on ordering the McNabb
2. Laura has to keep reminding you you're still president for two more weeks
1. To be more like your favorite New York Giant, you shoot yourself in the leg
|
Letterman
Monday Night, January 5
Here's an announcement from the post office: Tomorrow is the last day you can mail
a gift to get it there by next Christmas.
George Bush Sr. says that Jeb Bush would make a great president. A third Bush in
the White House? Cut me a slice of that.
On New Year's Eve, Bill and Hillary Clinton dropped the ball in Times Square. It
was bitter cold . . . icy . . . frigid . . . and that was just their marriage.
|
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Thursday Night, December 18
Much of the country is covered in snow. Chicago got a foot of snow. The blizzard
was so bad, Gov. Blagojevich declared a state of emergency and sent all corruption
investigators home.
There was even some snow in Malibu. It got so cold, some women had to be rushed
to hot tubs to have their implants defrosted.
Gary Busey woke up, saw white powder all over the lawn, and thought it was Christmas
|
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
Courtesy: wedwo
The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.
The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself
a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies
from falling into coffee |
|
|
Jay Leno
Monday Night, January 5
President Bush was asked what his New Year's resolution was. He said, 'Well, we need work, but there's no reason to start a resolution.'
In a message that aired Christmas day, Iran's President Mahmoud I'm-a-Nutjob said
that if Jesus were alive today, he'd be standing with him. Yeah . . . and
Jesus would be wearing a shirt that said, 'I'm With Stupid.'
Congress says they're looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal. So the guy who made
$50 billion disappear, is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion
disappear.
His family says he suffers from multiple personality disorder. Apparently, every
one of them is greedy.
|
Conan O'Brien
Monday Night, January 5
Earlier today, Barack Obama's daughters started at their new school in Washington,
D.C. Their teachers were really impressed and say that both girls are already reading
well above President Bush level.
President Bush's father, George Bush Sr., recently said that he'd like his son Jeb
to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what
a good time would be, Bush senior said, 'Eight years ago.'
Obama had his first day in Washington today President-elect Barack Obama says
that he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago and headed for Washington
D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Gov. Blagojevich sold
Obama's house.
The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase recruitment by allowing
fatter people to enlist. In fact, several new recruits have volunteered for a daring
raid on a refrigerator.
|
Craig Fergusan
Monday Night, January 5
Sarah Palin became a grandmother. She's helping with all the diaper changes . .
. it's like she's back campaigning with John McCain.
The New Year is very tough on John McCain. He's still writing 1908 on his checks.
I dropped my iPhone in my coffee over the weekend. This ruined my iPhone and
my coffee. I lost my downloads, and my coffee tasted like porn
|
|
