Conan
Thursday Night, December 5
At a White House holiday party, the Obama's dog, Sonny, reportedly knocked over
a small child. So although President Obama's approval rating is down to 40
percent, he's now number one on YouTube.
Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden arrived in South Korea to talk to the
people there. Yeah, first time ever people from South Korea have tried to sneak
into North Korea.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving.
According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his
defense, Ford said, "We had to, they were completely out of crack."
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Late Show With David Letterman
Tuesday Night, November 26
I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie
"Hunger Games." He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive
eating.
Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great,
having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along — and
then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.
I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the
oven, and she's tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we're
all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring.
For the very first time, the Butterball turkey hotline has included male
operators to answer questions. Depending on your turkey needs, you can request a
female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator,
or a female operator with a mustache.
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Thursday Night, December 5
Earlier tonight was the three-hour performance of "The Sound of Music." It was
on NBC live. Maria was played by "American Idol" winner Carrie Underwood. She
joins a long list of "American Idol" winners who've gone on to big things. Like
Jennifer Hudson — and that other guy.
Right now on the Internet, Julie Andrews fans are battling with Carrie Underwood
fans. It's like an East Coast/West Coast rap feud.
Everyone remembers Julie Andrews' performance, but Christopher Plummer was great
too as Baron von Trapp. Von Trapp was an Austrian who had seven kids with his
first wife, and then three more with Maria. He was the original Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
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The Tonight Show With Jay Leno Show
Tuesday Night, November 26
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November
would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time
Congress accomplished anything.
You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from
the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.
The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the
Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.
When President Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Now
don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, December 4
Justin Bieber is busy traveling around the world. He was in Australia where
again he spray painted a wall. This is something he's done in multiple countries
now. He also did it in Brazil and Colombia. The world is Justin Bieber's
coloring book.
Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob
Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal
with crack.
There is information that Mayor Ford tried to buy the infamous video of him
smoking crack. And the gang members wanted $500,000 and a car. Sounds like Ford
would make a good game-show host.
A new study found that the state where people cursed the most, where they used
the most profanity, is Ohio. Most of those curse words are directly followed by
the word "LeBron."
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Thursday Night, December 5
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto
because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's
hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto.
The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone
anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships
of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people
that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them?
Turns out they were right.
How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can't
build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of
Obamacare.
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