Tuesday Night, August 19
Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton's advice for
years — which is why we've yet to see him in a pantsuit.
In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, SeaWorld said it
will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, a killer whale said,
"Hey, you know what's a larger habitat? The ocean!"
In South America a tribe of Amazon Indians has made contact with the outside
world for the first time. The tribe was shocked by skyscrapers, cars, and that
"Grey's Anatomy" is still on the air.
Off the coast of Russia, a 200-year-old bottle of booze was found in a shipwreck
and it is still drinkable. Isn't that amazing? Of course in Russia everything is
still drinkable — antifreeze, you name it.
Late Show With David Letterman
Thursday Night, August 28
It's Labor Day weekend. Labor Day, of course, is a holiday where people take
three days off from being unemployed.
It's Labor Day weekend — time to put up your Christmas decorations.
Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because
they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout.
Is there really a difference between tainted chicken feet and non-tainted
chicken feet? It's negligible.
How many of you have kids heading off to college? Well, don't you worry, because
that liberal arts degree, that thing is a license to print money.
The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Frisday Night, August 8
Today's the start of the Boston Comic-Con. It starts with a man riding a horse
across cobblestone streets shouting "The nerds are coming! The nerds are
People dress up and dump the "Star Wars" prequels in the harbor. Hah! A man can
A bunch of movies came out today. They cover many genres, but they have one
interesting thing in common: They'll get their butts kicked by the new "Ninja
Turtles" movie that opens today.
I don't know a lot about ninja turtles. I know they're named after artistic
Italian men: Michelangelo, Donatello, Madonna.
And ninja turtles live in the sewers of New York City. If they want to hide out
somewhere that New Yorkers never go to, they should try a Mets game.
I had a pet turtle when I was a kid. He taught me a lot. For instance, he
taught me I love the taste of turtle soup.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, August 22
Disney's stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That's when
you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive — when it's actually cheaper
to own part of the company.
Not quite as good news for the pet supply chain PetSmart, which may soon be sold
to a larger company. Or as they told their employees, “Your jobs are going to a
A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good
marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having
friends who hate you.
The Duggars from “19 Kids and Counting” just announced that their daughter Jill
is expecting her first child. In a statement, the Duggars said, “We’re excited
to meet the baby and welcome him into our army — family! We mean family.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, August 28
You know, it's hard to believe. But it's almost time for a new season of
"Dancing with the Stars." According to TMZ, the producers have a dream list. I
have my dream for the next "Dancing with the stars." His name is Rob Ford,
If Rob Ford doesn't win re-election, I'm going to try to book him to perform at
our office holiday party.
According to an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii, who spent years
studying this, Hello Kitty is not actually a cat. I hope the anthropologist was
studying other stuff, too.
The anthropologist said she was preparing for a museum exhibit and according to
the company that makes Hello Kitty, she is not a cat. She is a cartoon
character. And a little girl. But not a cat. That makes as much sense as Hasbro
announcing that Mr. Potato Head wasn't a potato.
Hello Kitty is a cat. I don't know why they would take that position. Maybe
there's a translation issue.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, August 14
The Korean Aerospace Institute announced that their one and only astronaut
resigned for personal reasons. Now all he has to do is get back to Earth.
A woman was arrested at LaGuardia Airport this week after she was seen stealing
an iPad and iPhone. The women could be sentenced to as much as six months at
An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being
held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back
to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.