Thursday Night, July 16
In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice
cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said "Hey, she stole my speech."
A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally
something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.
A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as Uber for Kids. So parents
will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn't talk to strangers but they
should get into a car with them.
iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say Bruce
Jenner instead of Caitlyn. In a related story, Siri is now asking to be
addressed as Steve.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, July 22
Nicki Minaj is having a beef with the VMAs because she feels they snubbed the
video for her song "Anaconda" and she tweeted, "If your video celebrates women
with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year." Taylor Swift
took Nicki's tweet as a shot at her and tweeted back, "Maybe one of the men took
your slot." "Maybe one of the men took your slot" is the dirtiest thing Taylor
Swift has ever tweeted.
This week, Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham had a beef. What would you call that?
Super hero movies, you're great, but there's just too many of you. In the past
five years alone, there have been 22,000 superhero movies. It's getting
ridiculous, we have had more Batmans in the past 25 years than we've had
presidents. And guess what? Barack Obama is probably going to play Batman next
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Thursday Night, July 23
Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And
when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, “Your
problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!”
The FEC released Donald Trump’s financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed
that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The
bad news is, the books aren’t selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he’s
got something to build that Mexican fence with! “It’s a very classy book-fence!”
Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best
endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie
always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he’s never going
to give them any of that pocket bacon. It’s what gets him through long
Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might
be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers
with $5 million escape tunnels.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, July 22
In Major League Baseball news, the federal government has decided to drop their
criminal case against former superstar Barry Bonds. . . . This is a case that
started in 2003, it took forever, and nothing ended up happening. Just like
Barry Bonds never said he didn't use steroids, he just said he thought they were
flaxseed oil and arthritis balm. Never send Barry Bonds grocery shopping. "I
asked you to pick up milk." "I did!" "No, this is foot powder."
Sony Pictures Animation won a three-studio bidding war for a movie starring
emojis. It’s a nearly seven-figure deal that sold off a pitch — which, for those
not familiar with showbiz lingo, means someone went into a meeting with
executives and said, "You know those pictures people send each other? Let's make
a movie about them." And walked out of the office with a million bucks.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, July 25
Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will
be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell,
because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner.
Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of “demagoguery,”
and said that he must be “excised and discarded.” So one thing is clear:
somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar.
Sources say the Obama administration is in the "final stages" of planning the
closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a
Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.
The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to
cats that are famous on the internet. So if you love the internet, and you love
cats, you’re probably not making it out of the house.