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Cartoons Last Updated: June 19, 2018
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: June 15
Courtesy: Newsmax

Wednesday Night, June 13

President Trump attacked Robert De Niro as someone who's "received too many hits to the head by real boxers." It was part of Trump's speech entitled "I Don’t Understand How Movies Work."

A new report says that this past year was a record-breaking year for Americans giving to charities. In fact, just yesterday, President Trump gave away South Korea.

AT&T was cleared to purchase Time Warner, which technically makes AT&T my new boss. So I just want to say two things: First, this news will in no way affect the content of my program. And two, T-Mobile sucks.

The Detroit Zoo announced it is sending 11,000 tadpoles to Puerto Rico to help restore their native toad population. A grateful Puerto Rico said, "Thanks, but could you send some electricity instead?"

The owner of the famous Bunny Ranch brothel won the primary for the Nevada state legislature. He won on his strong record of hiring women.

On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested.

The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, June 13

According to a new article, President Trump has a habit of ripping up official documents when he is done with them. And because there's a legal requirement to preserve presidential records, White House staffers then have to piece the documents back together with Scotch tape. It's been a lot of work. They've already had to put the Constitution back together three times.

You start out dreaming of working in the White House, you're like, "I want to experience all that excitement while getting to serve my country." And you end up like a kid on a rainy family vacation. "Ooh, I've got a corner piece! Guys, we've almost got the whole border done!"

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m.

To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store."

Domino's Pizza announced this week that as part of a publicity campaign, the company will start to fill potholes in select towns across the country. Yes, yes, Domino's will be filling potholes — not to be confused with their normal job of filling potheads.

Seeing as it's Domino's, the asphalt is going to look like regular asphalt, but it's going to taste a little bit worse.

The crayon company Crayola has launched a new line of makeup based on its crayon colors. People who've tried the Crayola makeup say the colors are great, but they did have trouble staying inside the lines.

 Crayola says their new line of makeup is completely vegan. Wait, so are you telling me the makeup I've been eating has meat in it?

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, June 13

There is huge news in the Mueller investigation. Sources say that ex-Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is likely to cooperate with federal prosecutors. Yes, Michael Cohen is going to sing like a canary — which is ironic [picture of Trump’s hair and canary with tufted crest], because it's Trump that looks like one.

The first sign that Cohen is about to flip is that his lawyers are “not expected to work with him going forward” and “replacements for the lawyers have not been named.” Hmm, he should hire my guest tonight, Michael Avenatti. I hear the last lawyer to go up against him is about to get arrested.

This must be a shock to Donald Trump because it comes at a critical time, because sources say Mueller is wrapping up his obstruction of justice investigation — or, as one of them put it, “It’s going to hit the fan pretty soon.” I did not know there was a fan in Donald Trump’s pants. Because that’s where it’s gonna be hitting.

One former White House official said that even before the news that Cohen was cooperating broke, "Trump should be super worried about Michael Cohen. If anyone can blow up Trump, it's him." Well, OK, that gives Cohen leverage, because the last guy who threatened to blow up Trump got his own summit.

You know Trump didn't see this coming, because after Cohen's office was raided back in April, he tweeted, "Michael is a businessman for his own account/lawyer who I have always liked and respected. Most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I don't see Michael doing that." Sorry, I just heard he DID.

Now, there's still hope for Trump. A person close to Cohen says he hasn't flipped yet. "He's sending up a smoke signal to Trump: I need help." And that smoke signal's not a metaphor. Their pants are literally on fire.

So the question is, will Donald Trump pardon Michael Cohen? Maybe, maybe not. Because sources say, "Trump has been fuming about Cohen in private, blaming him for the messy Stormy Daniels situation." [Trump impression] “Why did Michael make me have sex with that woman? And why did he allow me to be alone with her during ‘Shark Week’? He knows it gets my juices flowing. I'm in a feeding frenzy."

This Cohen news really took the bounce out of Trump's North Korea victory lap. This morning, Trump made a bold claim, tweeting, "Just landed — a long trip, but everybody can now feel much safer than the day I took office. There is no longer a nuclear threat from North Korea." OK, granted, I have never felt less safe than the day you took office, but — and it's a big but — you didn't get anything in writing from Kim, and experts say, "The nuclear threat from North Korea is far from over." But a little reality never stopped Trump from getting his tweet on.

 Trump then tweeted: "Before taking office, people were assuming that we were going to war with North Korea. President Obama said that North Korea was our biggest and most dangerous problem. No longer — sleep well tonight!" What do you mean, "sleep well"? You didn't change anything. It's like a lion got loose in our house, and you took a selfie with it, and then said, "Everything's fine. The lion and I have great chemistry. Sleep tight. Here, wear this lucky ham. Love you, baby. You'll be fine."

Trump announced that he was going to halt the joint military exercises with South Korea and the U.S., but that came as a shock to our close allies, South Korea and the U.S. In fact, a spokesperson for South Korea said, "At this moment, the meaning and intention of President Trump's remarks requires more clear understanding." Which is Korean for "Whaaaa!?"

Meanwhile, "American troops said they are still moving ahead with a military exercise this fall, until they receive guidance otherwise from the chain of command." OK, that's very important. I think the chain of command now goes: Trump; Ivanka; Dennis Rodman; Ivanka again; Jared's wife Ivanka; "Fox & Friends."


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Wednesday Night, June 13

We have John Travolta on the show tonight. And this weekend is actually the 40th anniversary of the movie "Grease." To celebrate, President Trump and Kim Jong Un sang a duet of "You're the One That I Want."

Trump got back to the White House today. He walked through the doors and yelled, "I'm home!" — and then remembered he fired everyone.

Actually the people at the White House are pretty excited that Trump is back. Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, "Oh. Good." Melania Trump said, "Wait, he's back? Like, NOW?" And finally, the White House kitchen staff screamed, "Code red! Defrost the nuggets! Go, go, go! Go! Get me dinosaur-shaped, dinosaur-shaped!"

Trump is really excited to tell everyone about the summit. In an interview last night Trump talked about how he and Kim really hit it off — maybe a bit too much. [clip of Trump] "The relationship was really good. He’s got a very good personality, he’s funny. It’s been a very intense relationship. It’s been short, and very intense." Sounds like somebody’s going to the Fantasy Suite! It makes sense, though. Kim is totally Trump's type. He's foreign and half his age.

 Here's some good news for the president: Tomorrow is his birthday. The White House is filled with balloons, champagne, and streamers. He was flattered until he realized it was all left over from the party the staff threw when he left for North Korea.

Tomorrow Trump turns 72. But he doesn't tweet a day over 12.

Today it was announced the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico. Players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane or just walk past the wall that still won't be built.

Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, June 13

Here in California, there will be a literally divisive measure on the ballot in November that, if it passes, would separate our state into three different parts. It's called the Cal-3 plan. It would divide California into three parts. I think the three are the part that smokes weed, the part that smokes meat, and the part that smokes meth.

And each of the three new states would get their own Kardashian, just to be fair.

 I know we're underrepresented in the Senate, but instead of going through a long and acrimonious political process, why not just wait for the earthquake to split the state up?

We are thankful that our president, President Donald Trump, arrived home this morning from Singapore. Here he is getting off Air Force One. [Video clip of Trump] No tie. No MAGA hat. I'm not sure that even IS Donald Trump. Is it possible the North Koreans replaced him with a look-alike? And if so, great, thank you.

The president took a victory lap on Twitter this morning, basking in the glow of his lovefest with Kim Jong Un. He's feeling very good about himself. I counted: As of 4 o’clock this afternoon, he had 14 straight tweets with an exclamation point at the end.

Despite the president's proclamations, many critics are complaining that North Korea didn't commit to anything. They signed a vague promise to denuclearize, similar to those they've made and broken many times before. Here's the thing: Come on, does this look like a guy who would go back on his word? [Picture of Kim Jong Un] If you can't trust THAT face, that’s YOUR problem.

Kim Jong Un is getting rid of his nukes the same way Donald Trump is building his wall. They're not.

Kim Jong Un has reportedly accepted the president's invitation to visit the White House. Just think about that for a second. An evil dictator who kills his own family is invited to the White House; the Golden State Warriors are not.

A federal judge yesterday approved the $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner, despite the Trump administration's efforts to block it. AT&T executives said they need to get into content creation and distribution in order to survive against technology companies like Amazon and Netflix. Another way to survive would be to fix your cellphone service, you know.

 Now that the merger has been approved, you can now wait at home all afternoon for your cable to get installed by the same technician who missed your morning phone service installation.

The new company will be called AT&T Warner. Not Time Warner; they're getting rid of “Time.” Not the word time, the actual measurement of passing events. That's how powerful this company will be. I think they'll [also] be eliminating distance and space.

And it's exciting. Who would have thought two giant companies that met on Tinder would end up together?

    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Wednesday Night, June 13

California will vote a proposal this fall that would split the state into three pieces. They’ll be called California, Northern California, and Sad Thin People.

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.”

The Cheesecake Factory has been fined $4.6 million for wage violations with their janitorial staff. And now to save money they have to remove the last 40 pages of their menu.

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly.



Must See!: Exclusive photos of Obama as a child!

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