Conan
Wednesday Night, June 13
President Trump attacked Robert De Niro as someone who's "received too many hits
to the head by real boxers." It was part of Trump's speech entitled "I Don’t
Understand How Movies Work."
A new report says that this past year was a record-breaking year for Americans
giving to charities. In fact, just yesterday, President Trump gave away South
Korea.
AT&T was cleared to purchase Time Warner, which technically makes AT&T my new
boss. So I just want to say two things: First, this news will in no way affect
the content of my program. And two, T-Mobile sucks.
The Detroit Zoo announced it is sending 11,000 tadpoles to Puerto Rico to help
restore their native toad population. A grateful Puerto Rico said, "Thanks, but
could you send some electricity instead?"
The owner of the famous Bunny Ranch brothel won the primary for the Nevada state
legislature. He won on his strong record of hiring women.
On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t
worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested.
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, June 13
According to a new article, President Trump has a habit of ripping up official
documents when he is done with them. And because there's a legal requirement to
preserve presidential records, White House staffers then have to piece the
documents back together with Scotch tape. It's been a lot of work. They've
already had to put the Constitution back together three times.
You start out dreaming of working in the White House, you're like, "I want to
experience all that excitement while getting to serve my country." And you end
up like a kid on a rainy family vacation. "Ooh, I've got a corner piece! Guys,
we've almost got the whole border done!"
This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest
and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online.
And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out
for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at
7 a.m.
To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a
Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a
flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store."
Domino's Pizza announced this week that as part of a publicity campaign, the
company will start to fill potholes in select towns across the country. Yes,
yes, Domino's will be filling potholes — not to be confused with their normal
job of filling potheads.
Seeing as it's Domino's, the asphalt is going to look like regular asphalt, but
it's going to taste a little bit worse.
The crayon company Crayola has launched a new line of makeup based on its crayon
colors. People who've tried the Crayola makeup say the colors are great, but
they did have trouble staying inside the lines.
Crayola says their new line of makeup is completely vegan. Wait, so are you
telling me the makeup I've been eating has meat in it?
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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, June 13
There is huge news in the Mueller investigation. Sources say that ex-Trump
lawyer Michael Cohen is likely to cooperate with federal prosecutors. Yes,
Michael Cohen is going to sing like a canary — which is ironic [picture of
Trump’s hair and canary with tufted crest], because it's Trump that looks like
one.
The first sign that Cohen is about to flip is that his lawyers are “not expected
to work with him going forward” and “replacements for the lawyers have not been
named.” Hmm, he should hire my guest tonight, Michael Avenatti. I hear the last
lawyer to go up against him is about to get arrested.
This must be a shock to Donald Trump because it comes at a critical time,
because sources say Mueller is wrapping up his obstruction of justice
investigation — or, as one of them put it, “It’s going to hit the fan pretty
soon.” I did not know there was a fan in Donald Trump’s pants. Because that’s
where it’s gonna be hitting.
One former White House official said that even before the news that Cohen was
cooperating broke, "Trump should be super worried about Michael Cohen. If anyone
can blow up Trump, it's him." Well, OK, that gives Cohen leverage, because the
last guy who threatened to blow up Trump got his own summit.
You know Trump didn't see this coming, because after Cohen's office was raided
back in April, he tweeted, "Michael is a businessman for his own account/lawyer
who I have always liked and respected. Most people will flip if the government
lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I
don't see Michael doing that." Sorry, I just heard he DID.
Now, there's still hope for Trump. A person close to Cohen says he hasn't
flipped yet. "He's sending up a smoke signal to Trump: I need help." And that
smoke signal's not a metaphor. Their pants are literally on fire.
So the question is, will Donald Trump pardon Michael Cohen? Maybe, maybe not.
Because sources say, "Trump has been fuming about Cohen in private, blaming him
for the messy Stormy Daniels situation." [Trump impression] “Why did Michael
make me have sex with that woman? And why did he allow me to be alone with her
during ‘Shark Week’? He knows it gets my juices flowing. I'm in a feeding
frenzy."
This Cohen news really took the bounce out of Trump's North Korea victory lap.
This morning, Trump made a bold claim, tweeting, "Just landed — a long trip, but
everybody can now feel much safer than the day I took office. There is no longer
a nuclear threat from North Korea." OK, granted, I have never felt less safe
than the day you took office, but — and it's a big but — you didn't get anything
in writing from Kim, and experts say, "The nuclear threat from North Korea is
far from over." But a little reality never stopped Trump from getting his tweet
on.
Trump then tweeted: "Before taking office, people were assuming that we were
going to war with North Korea. President Obama said that North Korea was our
biggest and most dangerous problem. No longer — sleep well tonight!" What do you
mean, "sleep well"? You didn't change anything. It's like a lion got loose in
our house, and you took a selfie with it, and then said, "Everything's fine. The
lion and I have great chemistry. Sleep tight. Here, wear this lucky ham. Love
you, baby. You'll be fine."
Trump announced that he was going to halt the joint military exercises with
South Korea and the U.S., but that came as a shock to our close allies, South
Korea and the U.S. In fact, a spokesperson for South Korea said, "At this
moment, the meaning and intention of President Trump's remarks requires more
clear understanding." Which is Korean for "Whaaaa!?"
Meanwhile, "American troops said they are still moving ahead with a military
exercise this fall, until they receive guidance otherwise from the chain of
command." OK, that's very important. I think the chain of command now goes:
Trump; Ivanka; Dennis Rodman; Ivanka again; Jared's wife Ivanka; "Fox &
Friends."
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, June 13
We have John Travolta on the show tonight. And this weekend is actually the 40th
anniversary of the movie "Grease." To celebrate, President Trump and Kim Jong Un
sang a duet of "You're the One That I Want."
Trump got back to the White House today. He walked through the doors and yelled,
"I'm home!" — and then remembered he fired everyone.
Actually the people at the White House are pretty excited that Trump is back.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, "Oh. Good." Melania Trump said, "Wait, he's back?
Like, NOW?" And finally, the White House kitchen staff screamed, "Code red!
Defrost the nuggets! Go, go, go! Go! Get me dinosaur-shaped, dinosaur-shaped!"
Trump is really excited to tell everyone about the summit. In an interview last
night Trump talked about how he and Kim really hit it off — maybe a bit too
much. [clip of Trump] "The relationship was really good. He’s got a very good
personality, he’s funny. It’s been a very intense relationship. It’s been short,
and very intense." Sounds like somebody’s going to the Fantasy Suite! It makes
sense, though. Kim is totally Trump's type. He's foreign and half his age.
Here's some good news for the president: Tomorrow is his birthday. The White
House is filled with balloons, champagne, and streamers. He was flattered until
he realized it was all left over from the party the staff threw when he left for
North Korea.
Tomorrow Trump turns 72. But he doesn't tweet a day over 12.
Today it was announced the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico.
Players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane or just walk past the
wall that still won't be built.
Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request
a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, June 13
Here in California, there will be a literally divisive measure on the ballot in
November that, if it passes, would separate our state into three different
parts. It's called the Cal-3 plan. It would divide California into three parts.
I think the three are the part that smokes weed, the part that smokes meat, and
the part that smokes meth.
And each of the three new states would get their own Kardashian, just to be
fair.
I know we're underrepresented in the Senate, but instead of going through a
long and acrimonious political process, why not just wait for the earthquake to
split the state up?
We are thankful that our president, President Donald Trump, arrived home this
morning from Singapore. Here he is getting off Air Force One. [Video clip of
Trump] No tie. No MAGA hat. I'm not sure that even IS Donald Trump. Is it
possible the North Koreans replaced him with a look-alike? And if so, great,
thank you.
The president took a victory lap on Twitter this morning, basking in the glow of
his lovefest with Kim Jong Un. He's feeling very good about himself. I counted:
As of 4 o’clock this afternoon, he had 14 straight tweets with an exclamation
point at the end.
Despite the president's proclamations, many critics are complaining that North
Korea didn't commit to anything. They signed a vague promise to denuclearize,
similar to those they've made and broken many times before. Here's the thing:
Come on, does this look like a guy who would go back on his word? [Picture of
Kim Jong Un] If you can't trust THAT face, that’s YOUR problem.
Kim Jong Un is getting rid of his nukes the same way Donald Trump is building
his wall. They're not.
Kim Jong Un has reportedly accepted the president's invitation to visit the
White House. Just think about that for a second. An evil dictator who kills his
own family is invited to the White House; the Golden State Warriors are not.
A federal judge yesterday approved the $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time
Warner, despite the Trump administration's efforts to block it. AT&T executives
said they need to get into content creation and distribution in order to survive
against technology companies like Amazon and Netflix. Another way to survive
would be to fix your cellphone service, you know.
Now that the merger has been approved, you can now wait at home all afternoon
for your cable to get installed by the same technician who missed your morning
phone service installation.
The new company will be called AT&T Warner. Not Time Warner; they're getting rid
of “Time.” Not the word time, the actual measurement of passing events. That's
how powerful this company will be. I think they'll [also] be eliminating
distance and space.
And it's exciting. Who would have thought two giant companies that met on Tinder
would end up together?
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, June 13
California will vote a proposal this fall that would split the state into three
pieces. They’ll be called California, Northern California, and Sad Thin People.
Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research
showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most
German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you
a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.”
The Cheesecake Factory has been fined $4.6 million for wage violations with
their janitorial staff. And now to save money they have to remove the last 40
pages of their menu.
According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish
this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly.
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