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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: May 3, 2016
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: May 2
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, April 21 

Now I don't know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you are into England, it's Queen Elizabeth's birthday today. She is turning 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.

Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday. In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long.

If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for “crisp bee urine.”  
      


Conan
Thursday Night, April 28

A study found that one minute of intense exercise may have the same physical benefits as 45 minutes of moderate exercise. So finally, a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen.

CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime."

 The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib.


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, April 28

Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months.

Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He's now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president.

I'm pretty sure we're going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with “Air Force One” spray painted on the sides. He'll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, “Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!”

 We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas.

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, April 29

The NFL Draft started last night and the Los Angeles Rams used the first pick to select quarterback Jared Goff. He's a college student who just got a job worth over $20 million, or as he put it, “I no longer support Bernie Sanders!” Or as fans in LA put it, “They went to Jared!”

The White House Correspondents' Dinner is tomorrow, and Bernie Sanders will be attending. You could tell Bernie Sanders was a guest at the dinner when they had to schedule it at 3 p.m. Bernie was like, “I’m going to start a revolution — at the dessert table!”

BeyoncĂ© kicked off her Formation World Tour this week and is actually selling a shirt that says, “Boycott BeyoncĂ©.” She's actually daring people to dislike her — or as Trump put it, “Trust me, it doesn't work!”


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 28

Today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. It's really the most uncomfortable day of the year for the adult film industry. Take Your Kid to Work Day is a great opportunity to teach your children why you come home miserable every night.

I brought my daughter, Jane, to work with me today and she wasn’t good at it. She's almost two. They really should schedule Take Your Daughter to Work Day with Girl Scout Cookie Day.

It's important to let them come to our jobs so they can see where we spend all day looking at Instagram and checking Facebook.

It's also NFL Draft Day. This is where we get to find out how great the next Papa John's spokesperson will be.

Congress passed a bill to declare the American bison national mammal of the United States. So finally Republicans and Democrats have managed to reach across the aisle to pass a meaningless piece of legislation.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Wednesday Night, April 27
 
During Donald Trump's foreign policy speech yesterday, he said when it comes to military action, we have to be unpredictable. Scary news for Iran, but terrifying news for Canada.

Donald Trump yesterday gave his first foreign policy speech and accused President Obama of handling Iran with tender lovin' care. Eric and Donald Jr. were like, "Sometimes that works, Dad.”

Exit polls from Tuesday's primary showed Donald Trump won about 50 percent of Republican voters with college degrees. Well, technically they have college degrees. Their diploma was a steak.

Today was Take Your Child to Work Day or as it's known in China, work day.

Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. “Last time I use Expedia!”

Chile's new giant lasers are so powerful, they can create an artificial star, which is impressive until you remember that Kris Jenner has been able to create, like, eight of them.

 


 
 
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