Conan
Tuesday Night, July 22
A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought
in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"
You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked
if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water.
There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a
larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called
last year's Samsung Galaxy.
Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been
watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.
|
Late Show With David Letterman
Wednesday Night, July 30
At Times Square they now have people dressed up as superheroes. Over the weekend
Spider-Man beat up a cop and was thrown in prison. Today he was in court with
his lawyer — Shyster-Man.
On TV tonight is the movie "Sharknado 2." I didn't see the first "Sharknado."
I'm worried I won't be able to understand "Sharknado 2."
What happens in "Sharknado 2" is a storm breaks out and there's a tremendous
downpour of sharks. And it's embarrassing because The Weather Channel predicted
only a light sprinkling of trout.
Martha Stewart has a drone. Are we comfortable with an ex-con owning a drone?
|
The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Wednesday Night, July 30
Everyone's reeling from the big fight between two Hollywood tough guys: Orlando
Bloom and Justin Bieber. They engaged in fisticuffs today in Spain. Who won the
fight? I think WE did, America.
Orlando approached Justin and started throwing punches. It was brutal. Mascara
was flying everywhere. There were no broken bones. But sadly, a few broken
nails.
Every great fight needs a great name. What should we call this one? The
commotion near the ocean. The girly taunt in the restaurant. The effeminate fray
in the café. The not-a-scratch-on-ya in España.
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with
his friends and his families.
|
|
|
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, July 30
Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument
at a night club in Spain. Orlando's hand was pretty sore today, you know, from
all the high-fives he got.
Bieber and Bloom got into a fight. Luckily, a stranger broke it up. He said,
"Girls, girls, stop it . . . I mean gentlemen."
In New Jersey a woman dressed like a clown walked away with minor injuries after
she crashed her car into a utility pole. Unfortunately, the other 300 people in
the car weren't so lucky.
A new study found that having a sense of purpose can actually help you live
longer — While having a sense of porpoise can help you swim longer.
|
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, July 30
Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting
out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million
gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much
water.
In Washington the House passed a bill today to go forward with a lawsuit against
President Obama. Who says Congress can't get anything done? They're suing the
president.
That lawsuit against the president is ridiculous — unless they do the trial on
"Judge Judy." Then I'm all for it.
|
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, July 30
According to new estimates, Beyoncé and Jay-Z will make $84 million from their
world tour. Which is good because 84 million is an easy number to divide by 2.
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon claimed he failed his most recent
drug test because he ingested secondhand marijuana smoke. Said Gordon, “That’s
right, I smoked some with one hand, and then I smoked some with my second hand.”
According to French officials, the gardens at the Louvre have become overrun
with rats. Officials later apologized and promised to refer to us as Americans
in the future.
Wikipedia is now accepting donations using the online currency Bitcoin. So now
you can support information you’re not sure is true with currency you’re not
sure is money.
|
