Conan
Tuesday Night, September 25
The investment banking firm Goldman Sachs joined Instagram in an attempt to
endear themselves to a new generation. Today, Goldman posted a meme that said,
"We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home."
At the U.N. today President Trump told world leaders that his administration
has accomplished more than any in U.S. history, and the whole audience laughed.
Trump was furious — 'cause for a few seconds he accidentally made some
foreigners happy.
In his speech at the U.N. he also said that Iran's leaders "sow chaos and
destruction." Trump then said, "Come on, man. That's MY thing."
Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin'
Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their
disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on.
Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to
come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare
small children.
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, September 25
President Trump gave a speech to the United Nations where he boasted of his
achievements in office, and the world leaders in attendance responded with
polite applause.
I am kidding. They laughed in his face. And they say Donald Trump can't bring
people together. I mean, even Israeli and Iranian diplomats at the U.N. coffee
machine were like, "All right, all right. Look, I know we are sworn enemies, but
can we just talk about that Trump thing just for a second?"
Trump's Supreme Court nominee went on Fox News last night to defend himself.
During the interview Brett Kavanaugh declared that despite even more sexual
misconduct allegations, "he is not going anywhere." Not going anywhere. Man,
this guy really needs to learn how to take "no" for an answer.
Kavanaugh defended himself by saying that he was a virgin in high school and for
many years thereafter. I have got to say, if those are the qualifications, I
should be on the Supreme Court. I should be Chief Justice Corden.
Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven
progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of
ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going
to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank
Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire
pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our
children a better world. That's all this is."
In the interest of fairness and equal time, Ben & Jerry's is also coming out
with flavors for some conservative politicians. Here's the one they made for
House Speaker Paul Ryan: Vanilla. And Sen. Mitch McConnell: They went with
Vanilla. And Vice President Mike Pence got Blinding White Vanilla — now with
extra vanilla.
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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Friday Night, September 28
Everybody is still talking about the big Kavanaugh-Blasey Ford hearing
yesterday. One assumes. I don't know. I actually taped this monologue yesterday,
which means I can't tell you what happened regarding Brett Kavanaugh — which,
based on his drinking, seems to be something I have in common with Brett
Kavanaugh.
There's one thing that unites us: None of us can figure out how our computers
work, not even Robert Mueller, who was spotted this week at the Apple Genius
Bar. [Imitating Mueller] "Let's just say, hypothetically, someone lost a very,
very important file. It's called ivankaconfession.pdf. I know it's here
somewhere. Also, can you remove Russian spyware from a person's skull?"
And you'll notice that Mueller's wife is next to him, so this might not be
Russia-related at all. [Imitating Mueller's wife] "Oh, so you can pull off the
biggest investigation in decades, but you can't get my iPhoto to stop going into
slide-show mode?"
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, September 28
Next week, first lady Melania Trump is going to Africa on a humanitarian visit.
When she gets there, people will be like, "How can WE help YOU?"
Africa will be Melania's first big solo trip as first lady. In response Donald
was like, "I love Africa. It's my favorite song by Toto."
Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great until
they all politely vote themselves off.
Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class
passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct tape an in-flight
magazine to your forehead.
IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle
House beer is just a little too trashy.
Dunkin' Donuts is changing their name to just Dunkin'. This has some loyal
customers nervous about what else is changing about the stores. So we thought
we'd put people's minds at ease and let you know all the things that are not
changing at Dunkin'. For instance, they'll keep making jelly sticks, even though
no one has ordered one since 1997.
Next up, when you're hung over, there will always be a dad in front of you who
lets his kid slowly pick out a dozen doughnuts.
And finally, the condiment caddy will continue to be stocked with zero sugar,
zero Splenda, and 5,000 packets of Equal. New name. Same old Dunkin'.
You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it's perfect for
anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.
A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper
towels. And the makers of hand dryers said, "But don't forget, we also don't dry
your hands."
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, September 13
In New York today the polls were open for a star-studded Democratic primary for
governor. The incumbent, and heavily favored, Andrew Cuomo found himself squared
off against an actress, Cynthia Nixon from "Sex and the City," who challenged
the sitting governor in spite of having no political experience. That doesn't
surprise me. Cynthia Nixon, she's such a Miranda.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo joined Instagram this week, which is odd. This
was his first post. Declaring his department the Department of Swagger. [photo
of Pompeo fist-bumping a woman in front of a crowd under an arch that says
"Department of Swagger"] That's real. You know, between the Space Force and the
Department of Swagger? This Trump administration has really given us an exciting
look at what the government could be if it were run by a wealthy 12-year-old.
The FDA is said to be cracking down on teenage vaping. Vaping for those who
don't know is the reason your Uber smells like pineapple turpentine whenever you
get in it.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night, September 25
After President Trump claimed during his address to the U.N. General Assembly
today that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, world
leaders in the audience laughed in response. And you know it was crazy, 'cause
even the Germans laughed.
President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president
in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they
were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United
States."
A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for
sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the
'80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here
tonight to confess to a string of murders.
The Secret Service this week unveiled the first update to the presidential limo
since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of medical supplies, including a
refrigerator full of President Trump's blood type, which I assume is
"chunky-style."
President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible
statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same
thing about Vermont.
Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his wife sat down last night for an
interview on Fox News, during which he claimed that he was a virgin in high
school and for many years after. First thing, it does not matter if you are a
virgin. You are being accused of sexual assault, not sexual intercourse. Those
things have nothing to do with each other. It's the same as saying "I couldn't
have robbed that bank, I'm a virgin."
Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just
ask thousands of priests.
Also stop saying that you are friends with women. That's not a defense. Just
because you're friends with one woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to
another. That's like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.
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