Conan
Wednesday Night, September 21
Twitter has just announced it has new controls to block people who advocate
violence. But don’t worry, you can still follow President Trump on Facebook.
Yesterday Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited Portland, Oregon. After his
visit, Sessions said, "You know, dreadlocks aren’t so scary when they’re on a
white guy."
President Trump is using his 2020 campaign fund to pay his legal fees, which
experts say is "wrong but not illegal." Coincidentally, "Wrong But Not Illegal"
is also Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan.
During a speech to African leaders today, President Trump accidentally made up
the nation of "Nambia." Even worse, he promised to help Nambia in their war with
Narnia.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook
said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months."
Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to return to the next "Terminator" movie. In this
one, Arnold goes back in time to erase all traces of him hosting "Celebrity
Apprentice."
It’s come out that some species of frogs have sex orgies. These are followed
the next morning by the frogs doing the "Hop of Shame."
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, September 21
It was revealed today that Donald Trump is using campaign donations and money
from the Republican National Committee to help pay for his legal fees tied to
the Russia investigation. Trump using the campaign funds is not illegal but an
unprecedented move by a sitting president and we all know how Donald Trump feels
about anything unprecedented. He feels it's hard to spell.
This morning the president retweeted this graphic of an iceberg symbolizing his
supporters. It says that the tip of the iceberg is how many Trump supporters the
media tells you there are but the bottom is how many Trump supporters there
actually are. This is the most attention Trump has paid to climate change since
he took office. Is Trump really comparing his supporters to an iceberg? He's
basically saying they're cold, detached and slowly disappearing every day. |
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night, September 21
This week in Washington, D.C., the unthinkable happened. Republicans are trying
to repeal and replace Obamacare, again. This is beyond beating a dead horse.
This is getting damn close to bestiality, okay. I hope that horse has a safe
word.
The U.N. is in town this week and Donald Trump hosted a lunch for African
leaders. "I'm greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of
Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guinea, Nambia. Nambia's health system is
increasingly self-sufficient." Now, there is no such country as "Nambia."
Despite that, they will soon have a better healthcare system than we do. I might
move to Nambia. I hear very good things.
He went on to praise the African Republicans of Nambla, Wango-Tango, and
Wakanda. "We must secure our supplies of vibranium." "I want to thank Prime
Minister Chaka Khan, thank you so much for being here. So wonderful."
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, September 20
Today is the third day of the U.N. General Assembly. Or as Trump calls it,
“Boring Epcot.” (TRUMP) “There’s no rides! No monorail!”
During a speech today, Trump mispronounced the African nation of “Namibia," and
instead called it "Nambia." Then Trump corrected himself and said, (TRUMP)
"Sorry, I meant Narnia."
President Trump also talked about the possibility of Peace in the Middle East
and said that “stranger things have happened.” Then he said, “For example...me.”
I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee
Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking.
And, Chipotle just added queso to its menu, but customers are saying it tastes
awful. Chipotle was like, “On the way up, or the way down?”
I read that farmers in Europe are close to growing a 3,000-pound pumpkin. Then
Americans said, “Eh – let us know when you ELECT one.”
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, September 14
The president and his wife were in Florida today to look at the damage caused by
Hurricane Irma. Trump cares very deeply about the state of Florida. Almost every
weekend since he was sworn in, he has personally flown to Florida to make sure
there were no hurricanes there. Sometimes he even carries a golf club to fend
them off.
There was a lot of fuss about the high-heeled shoes Melania wore when she
visited Houston after Hurricane Harvey. So today she wore the most somber
footwear in her closet: a pair of $750 Chanel flats.
Hillary Clinton is promoting her new book. She told Anderson Cooper that a lot
of people come up to her now to apologize for not voting. And when they do that,
she says she doesn’t forgive them. I guess she used all her forgiveness up on
her husband.
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about Clinton’s
book. She said she thought it was sad. Which is true. I mean, it is — I don’t
want to spoil it for anyone who’s planning to read it, but at the end of the
book, Donald Trump becomes president.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Wednesday Night, September 21
President Trump tweeted this morning "Big meetings today at the United Nations,
so many interesting leaders." While the United Nations tweeted, "Day two of this
guy. Buckle up, everyone.”
During Melania Trump’s U.N. speech today, she spoke out against bullying. And
then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal.
A leader of a polygamous sect in Salt Lake City pled guilty today to food-stamp
fraud. As he was taken into custody he said, “Don’t wait for me, honey! You
either! Or you. And you. You, too.”
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