Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Monday Night, November 23
This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been
revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh,
young, natural, meaningless.
Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means
they weren't allowed to die of old age. Natural turkey has the same legal
standing as cheez with two Es and a Z and wild turkey means you're too drunk to
The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good
people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey. In
fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips
Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but
sadly, they have not once been able to save the turkey's life.
While the hotline opens on November 2nd, not surprisingly the volume peaks on
Thanksgiving Day, so right now, Butterball is paying Turkey experts to sit by
the phone. But no one is calling.
Thursday Night, November 19
There is reportedly a shortage of turkeys this Thanksgiving. So it’s official,
even turkeys don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with your family.
The kids band The Wiggles announced they will play a reunion concert next year —
for adults only. You can buy tickets at ImACreep.biz.
Critics are panning Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie saying the film has
"long stretches where nothing much happens." Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
responded, "Since when is looking at us not enough?"
Campbell’s is recalling over 300,000 cans of SpaghettiOs. Turns out, they
contain a very dangerous substance called “SpaghettiOs.”
Bernie Sanders recently joined Snapchat. So in case you were wondering, you can
get Snapchat on a rotary phone.
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Tuesday Night, November 24
We are just 15 days away from when "Time" magazine chooses its annual person of
the year. There's an online poll where readers can vote for their pick, and
currently leading in that online poll is Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders. This
is ironic, because I'm not sure Bernie Sanders has ever even been online.
Seriously, if he wanted to vote for himself, he'd have to go to a library. But
this is going to be a real thrill for Bernie because he actually remembers when
time came onto the scene. Not Time Magazine, just actual time.
Bernie Sanders has gotten a lot of attention for a meeting he had with
outspoken activist/rapper Killer Mike. It looks like killer Mike could wear
Bernie in a Baby Bjorn. How are you going to stand up to Vladimir Putin when you
look like you need a booster seat?
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday Night, November 24
In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S.
Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as
Carson's campaign staff put it, “Close enough!
Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the
man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad
when even Donald Trump is like, "I'm not putting that on my head."
I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore
and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night
Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like,
“Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.”
I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire “Godfather” trilogy on
Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on
Thanksgiving - now you've got TWO ways to do that.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, November 18
Bernie Sanders, the presidential hopeful and senator from Vermont, joined
Snapchat. Bernie did this, I assume, to appeal to younger voters.
If you're the oldest candidate running for president, maybe not a great idea to
post a drawing of yourself as a ghost. If you'd like to follow Bernie Sanders,
his Snapchat user name is bernie.sanders. If you want to log into his account,
his password is "Password."
Jeb Bush is on Snapchat. He's been on for a while because he's cool too. The
Bush campaign launched a contest people can enter to win a chance to have dinner
with Jeb Bush. The contest is called, “Will someone please come hang out with
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Monday Night, November 23
A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it’s too early to be playing
Christmas music. I couldn’t agree more. Now let’s talk about the 2016
Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he
would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey,
what does this button do?”
After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told
reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely
disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man
was doing was attending a Trump rally.
Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the
largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith
A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85
percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15
percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs.