Conan
Thursday Night, July 13
Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against
Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our
elections until we need them again in 2018.”
Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against
Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our
elections until we need them again in 2018.”
The new Republican healthcare bill is out, and the bad news is, older people
still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay
more for long.
Kid Rock has officially announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Kid Rock
says he wants to restore America back to a better time when it would have been
unimaginable for Kid Rock to run for the U.S. Senate.
NBC’s long-running reality show “The Biggest Loser” has been canceled. Or as NBC
put it, “We just lost 30,000 pounds.”
A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if
you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly
Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6.
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Thursday Night, June 22
You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there
are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.”
Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’
or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do
not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself!
Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require
thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that.
But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main
reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992.
At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed
border wall [clip of Trump]: “We're thinking about building the wall as a solar
wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally
blowing sunshine up our [butts].
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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Tuesday Night, July 18
I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP
healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking.
I'm heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the
Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can't be expected to
do everything.
It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at
90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face.
It's like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to
rent "The Lone Ranger" and watch it on laser disc. That's how badly they failed.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday Night, July 18
At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they
didn't vote for the healthcare bill, they'd look like dopes. And he combed his
neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the
floor.
Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House. They were served
steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn't allowed to leave the table until he
finished all of his lima beans. The president was seen scraping them onto the
floor. "Do we have a dog?"
The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart.
But Republicans say they're just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup
and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, "Hey, that's the same thing we're
doing with Trump."
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, July 13
President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of
French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a
handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes
were on this one.
There was one uncomfortable moment later on. President Macron’s wife, Brigitte,
is 25 years older than he is. He’s 39. She’s 64. Which you know has to be making
Trump’s crazy orange head spin. For him that’s about as backwards as it gets.
This is what he said to her: “You’re in such good shape. She’s in such good
physical shape. Beautiful.” It’s like she’s a ’65 Chevy convertible he’s
admiring. Only Donald Trump would treat a meeting with world leader likes it’s a
swingers’ key party.
Before he left the president, who’s been notoriously stingy with on-camera
interviews lately, sat down with the 700-year-old host of “The 700 Club,” Pat
Robertson. This is a religious television show. And Donald Trump is a very
religious guy. [clip of Robertson responding “yeah,” “that’s right” several
times as Trump speaks] So they got along just great.
On the way to Paris the president had some off-the-record conversations with
reporters on Air Force One, and then he decided he wanted some of what he said
to be ON the record. So Trump told reporters last night that the wall — you know
that wall Mexico’s going to pay for, very nice of them to do? — he wants the
wall to be see-through. For real! He said, and this is a quote, “One of the
things with the wall is you need transparency.” And they asked why.
He said, “I’ll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw
the sacks of drugs over the wall, if you have people on the other side who don’t
see them, they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff and it’s over. You’re
dead.”
Our president is worried that people are going to get hit on the head with drugs
and die. So he wants a wall you can see through. It’s unbelievable. He’s turning
the country into an aquarium! We are all going to be living in SeaWorld with
President Shamu if he gets his way.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night, July 18
Republicans announced last night that the latest GOP healthcare plan will not be
moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the Senate.
Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time's the charm.
According to Politico, the news that two additional Republican senators were not
supporting the GOP healthcare plan came as a surprise to President Trump, and if
there's one thing President Trump hates, it's Eric.
After the failure of the GOP healthcare plan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch
McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare without a bill to replace it. The
same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him [picture of
Donald Trump].
Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump
said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure
when the "Titanic" was sinking, the answer wasn't more icebergs.
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