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Cartoons
Cartoons Last Updated: February 8, 2016
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Late Night Jokes  
Last Updated: February 5
Courtesy: Newsmax
       

      

Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Monday Night, January 25 

Winter storm Jonas slammed the East Coast, some places got up to 3 feet of snow, and more than 12,000 flights were canceled. So for the airlines, it was business as usual.

After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.

All weekend I put on my top-notch winter gear: pajamas. They were plenty waterproof because I did not leave the house or take a shower. I did get up early on Sunday to do some shoveling of pancakes into my mouth.

There’s a little heart app on your phone to tell you how much you moved for the day and I have been using that lately. It tracks the number of steps you take in a day. You are supposed to get something like 10,000 in a day and I'm usually pretty close. Here's Friday: Almost 9,000 steps, not bad. Here's Saturday: 20 steps.   
      


Conan
Wednesday Night, February 3

Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote.

This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz "illegally stole" the election. Trump said, "Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election."

Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, "Feel the Bern," the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.

This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint."

A Papa John’s customer is suing the restaurant over what he calls an improper 16-cent tax. He’s also suing them for "improper use of the word 'pizza.'"

A man in Canada has built a model of the Millennium Falcon that can clear snow off his driveway. Apparently it makes a nice, clear path to his door that no woman will ever enter.


 
The Late, Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, February 3

An associate of Osama bin Laden's who is currently being held prisoner in Guantanamo Bay was recently found to have a Match.com profile. I guess we know the answer to the question, "Your place or mine?"

In order to update his profile from prison, he writes letters to his lawyer. This guy writes updates about a wide variety of things, for example, about Caitlyn Jenner he wrote, "Happy for her because people are born the way they are." I can't believe I'm going to say this but I think I have a favorite member of al-Qaida. I'm not saying I like him, he's just my favorite — he's the best of a bad bunch.

Do you think his opening line with women was "Jihad me at hello?"

 
 
 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
  Wednesday Night, February 3

On Monday, Hillary Clinton narrowly won in Iowa, with the final results showing that she beat Bernie Sanders by less than 1 percent. And you thought Bernie was mad at the 1 percent BEFORE.

Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year.

After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!"

This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Wednesday Night, February 3

After the caucus in Iowa, the candidates who had no chance to win are finally starting to realize that and drop out. Rick Santorum announced he's suspending his campaign after he finished 11th in Iowa and Rand Paul is suspending his campaign after finishing fifth. I like that they call it suspending, as if their campaigns got caught having sex under the bleachers and will be back in a couple of weeks.

Rand Paul deserves a lot of credit. He said time and time again he believes in smaller government. Now that he's out of the race the government is indeed one person smaller. That's called practicing what you preach. Jeb

Bush finished sixth behind Rand Paul who dropped out, but Jeb Bush is still running. He doesn't know what to do — if he loses he can't go home because his father and brother will laugh at him.

 
                                
 
    Late Night With Seth Meyers
  Wednesday Night, January 27

  Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.

President Obama today made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the phase of his presidency known as “come at me, bro.”

Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. It’s not the first time Spitzer spent that much on something that only lasted an hour.

According to a new report, Americans spent more money last year on legal marijuana than they did on Doritos and Cheetos combined. Or as pot smokers call that, “a salad.”  

 


 
 
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