Conan
Wednesday Night, April 18
SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage
to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just
getting out of L.A.
Republicans in Congress are urging the FBI to launch an investigation into
Hillary Clinton. Man, Hillary Clinton – what did she do over two years ago NOW?
Once again, President Trump has referred to Mar-a-Lago as "the Southern White
House." Of course, when Trump refers to the actual White House, he refers to it
as "the Western Kremlin."
President Trump tweeted that the sketch of the man Stormy Daniels accused of
threatening her life is "fake." Trump said, "It looks nothing like me."
In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his
lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his.
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The Late Late Show With James Corden
Wednesday Night, April 18
More fallout from the Stormy Daniels scandal. As you know, yesterday she
released a sketch of a man she claimed threatened her about her relationship
with the president. Well, this morning Donald Trump tweeted: "A sketch years
later about a nonexistent man. A total con job, playing the fake news media for
fools, but they know it!" Trump calls Stormy's claim "a total con job." I
honestly don't know who to believe in all this — the desperate, money-hungry
publicity-hound, or Stormy Daniels.
Also in the tweet, Trump retweeted a photo that showed Stormy Daniels' husband,
implying that's who's pictured in the sketch. Only Donald Trump would defend
himself by tweeting: "This guy doesn't even exist! Here's a photo of him!"
Yesterday, after Ambassador Nikki Haley told the U.N. that the United States was
going to level more sanctions against Russia, the White House quickly
contradicted her, saying she suffered from "momentary confusion." It's got to
hurt, being called "confused" by the Trump White House. That's like being called
hateful and mean-spirited by . . . well, by the Trump White House. Nikki Haley
was not having any of it and shot back at the White House, saying, "With all due
respect, I don't get confused." Then she added, "Except for when I'm watching
'Westworld.' Then I'm totally confused. Wait, is she a robot? Is this a
flashback or happening right now?"
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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Wednesday Night, April 11
There is so much meat on the news bone today that I don't know where to start
carving. So, let's just unhinge our jaw and swallow this cow from the head down.
When you're talking about Washington, the head is Donald Trump.
Ever since the FBI raided his lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices, the walls have
been closing in on the president, and he's not happy. One source said, "We're at
a different level now. He's losing his (bleep)." And another just said, "Jesus
take the wheel." Buddy, I hate to tell ya, Jesus flung the door open a few miles
back and then tucked and rolled into a ditch. Those footprints in the sand are
running straight into the ocean screaming.
And Donald Trump is ready to take drastic action against everyone investigating
him, no matter who. One Trump friend told Vanity Fair, "I could see him having a
total meltdown and saying, '(bleep) it, I'm firing all of them.' This is very
dry tinder. If someone strikes a match to it, you could see it catching fire."
"Dry Tinder," by the way, is how Mike Pence met his wife.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night, April 18
The tax deadline was extended by 24 hours yesterday. So, if you haven't done
your taxes yet, well, you're too late AGAIN.
Letitia Wright is on the show tonight! She played a gadget expert in "Black
Panther." It’s nice to meet a tech genius who didn’t spend the last two weeks
testifying in Congress.
This week, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has been staying at Mar-a-Lago
with Trump, and Trump said he wanted to “sneak out” and play golf with him.
While Abe says he just wanted to “sneak out.”
But they did play golf this morning. Abe said playing with Trump was kind of
weird. Every time Trump got it in the hole, he’d have his lawyer send it hush
money.
Last night Trump and Melania had dinner with Abe and his wife. There was an
awkward moment when Trump kept yelling at the waiter, "This sushi is raw! Send
it back!"
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 12
Flu season is behind us, allergy season is here. It’s nice to see people in L.A.
allergic to something other than gluten for a change.
This was another difficult day for President Trump. Details from a forthcoming
book written by former FBI Director Jim Comey came out today, and Comey said,
among other things, Trump is “untethered from the truth.” He says chief of staff
John Kelly offered to quit when Trump fired Comey, he was so disgusted. He said
he believes the president wears tanning goggles. That I would like to see, Trump
on the roof of the White House, a little mask over his eyes like a raccoon,
nibbling on chicken nuggets in a Speedo.
Trump had to do some tap dancing today after repeatedly criticizing the previous
administration for tipping our enemies off to what are we going to do before we
do it. Trump informed Russia we would be firing missiles on Syria . . . which is
telling enemies what we’re going to do before we do it. Today he tried to
correct the perception. He tweeted, “Never said when an attack on Syria would
take place. Could be very soon. Or not so soon at all.” Have you ever played
hide-and-seek with a 4-year-old? I do it a lot. She’s like, “I’m going to go
hide under the bed, you come find me.” That’s basically what he does.
But see, this is the genius of Donald Trump. How can he let our enemies know
what he’s doing when even he doesn’t know what he’s doing?
Meanwhile, his White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was asked
about this today. She said all options are on the table. Then she pretended to
be a table. Until everyone went away.
I hope Trump didn’t see this on TV. He probably didn’t because this was CNN.
But an anonymous Republican in Congress, so angry with the president — he or
she, we don’t know — asked to chat with a conservative radio host, a guy named
Erick Erickson. They met at a Safeway store. The supermarket. To avoid being
seen by anyone on Capitol Hill. I guess they don’t eat groceries.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, April 12
House Speaker Paul Ryan said yesterday that he doesn’t plan on running for
president after he retires from Congress next year. Ryan will instead return to
the haunted Sears Catalogue that spawned him [shows picture of Ryan modeling
sportswear].
President Trump had dinner with Republican congressional leaders last night.
“Are you gonna finish that?” they asked about his presidency.
A woman was recently arrested at New York’s Kennedy Airport for attempting to
smuggle $110,000-worth of cocaine, hidden inside bottles of Bailey’s Irish
Cream. Even worse – Bailey’s Irish Cream.
A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in
the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates.
H&M is reportedly struggling to deal with over $4 billion in unsold
merchandise. “Just throw it on the floor,” said TJ Maxx.
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