Conan
Thursday Night, April 17
A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes
you more desirable — and posing with a cat means you're going to die alone.
A Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired.
He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.
Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico.
Yeah, so they're taking our jobs and our Jebs.
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Late Show With David Letterman
Wednesday Night, April 9
Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long
enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I
always assumed I would be impeached.
I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of
months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, "Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry. I
just can't print the jokes any bigger."
It's Derek Jeter's final year in baseball. Don't you hate it when a guy
announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it
for cheap sentimentality?
On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I'm Dr. Phil. She's very
excited to be here tonight because this means she'll have an alibi.
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Thursday Night, April 17
Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton.
People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to
run for president in 2016?
It's a great day for Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. It is her
birthday. You know who also has a birthday? The Ford Mustang. Now the Ford
Mustang and Posh Spice are very different, of course. One's a sleek machine
that's been redesigned a couple of times over the years but is still a great
ride. And the other one is a Mustang.
According to a new survey, being a mathematician is the best job in America. So
congratulations, nerds.
I'm announcing my retirement. Well, just until after the commercial.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Friday Night, April 11
A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton
while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown
into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank
you for the help.”
After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius
announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a
bus is now covered by Obamacare.
The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he
and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even
Obama said, "Thanks, Obama."
Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass.
Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Thursday Night, April 10
Apparently a lot of people are naming their kids after characters from "Game of
Thrones." The name "Khaleesi" has gone way up. What better way to be reminded of
gratuitous sex and violence than whenever you call your child.
I love "Game of Thrones." But don't name your baby "Khaleesi." If not for your
kid's sake, do it for the poor baristas at Starbucks.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Thursday Night, April 10
A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7
million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, “I’ll kick
in another million if she’s willing to start early.”
The federal judge presiding over a court case between Apple and Samsung has
threatened to confiscate all phones following frequent disruptions — while
lawyers from Blackberry just now got the email with the court date.
A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk
of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.
New reports show that the price of Whole Foods stock has gone up twelve-fold
since 2008. The stock is valued at $50.32 a share, or about one cantaloupe from
Whole Foods.
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