Conan
Thursday Night, April 17
A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes
you more desirable — and posing with a cat means you're going to die alone.
A Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired.
He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.
Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico.
Yeah, so they're taking our jobs and our Jebs.
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Late Show With David Letterman
Tuesday Night, April 22
Happy Earth Day. And because it's Earth Day, we'll be using a solar-powered
applause sign.
Earth is 71 percent water. No, wait a minute. That's Yankee Stadium beer.
Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He just dropped by to
sign the lease.
I don't know if you've heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the
show sometime next year — pending the physical.
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Tuesday Night, April 22
It's the new season of "Deadliest Catch," which kicked off tonight on the
Discovery Channel. It's in its 10th season. That's 10 seasons of doing the same
repetitive task over and over again. I can't relate to that at all.
"Deadliest Catch" reminds me of this show. They started in 2005. We started in
2005. They have a lot of cursing. We have a lot of cursing. They have multiple
Emmy awards. We have lots of cursing.
Being a crab fisherman is a very dangerous job. It's like being prime minister
of Ukraine. Or Kim Jong Un's chess opponent.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Tuesday Night, April 22
Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the "three Rs:” Reduce, reuse,
and, uh, Retweet? I don’t know.
In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used
products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then
Samsung said, “Beat you to it.”
Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with
what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.
Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the
leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing
someone to stop corruption.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tuesday Night, April 22
Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we
tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.
After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day.
It's like lice declaring a Head Day.
Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I
have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil.
President Obama's approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November.
It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly
less terrible.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night, April 22
Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana
peel in the blue trash can.
The Christian Science Monitor is claiming “Hillary Clinton will be a tad less
interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.”
And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the
beach.
Dutch designers have created a baby’s onesie that comes with built-in Wi-Fi.
That way, your child can search the web for better parents.
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