Conan
Thursday Night, March 6
Today is the second day of the 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent. You know what
I'm giving up this year? The 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent.
There's a new app that will help you find the nearest bathroom. It's called the
Starbucks app.
The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments.
They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When
asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, "After two years, I don't
give a damn."
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Late Show With David Letterman
Monday Night, March 10
Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean
peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops?
President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and
said, "Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?"
Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea,
but he shut down "meet-Russian-women.com."
If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka.
Osama bin Laden's son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of
al-Qaida's videos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know
that the first season is available on Netflix.
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The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Thursday Night, March 6
Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from
Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see
someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya.
Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look
better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech.
There is no point to doing a monologue. Everybody is doing monologues these
days. The late-night guys come out and do monologues. That's what they do. We're
just like any other show — just a middle-aged white guy in a suit telling jokes
from cue cards.
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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Monday Night, March 10
The Conservative Political Action Conference is still going
on down in Washington, D.C. And yesterday, Donald Trump was giving a speech,
when he accidentally referred to former President Jimmy Carter — who’s still
very much alive — as "the late, great Jimmy Carter." Trump immediately
apologized, and then said, “He wasn’t THAT great.”
The College Board says it’s revamping the SAT to focus more on what students
will need in college. In fact, the SAT is now just one question: “How much money
do your parents have?”
Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of
tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it
will continue to work with Russia’s space program, even though the Pentagon has
severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both
sides were like, "Because we're building a robot army, umm — ER — nothing."
Here’s some lighter news. I thought this was kind of interesting — this week
marks the 50th anniversary of the Buffalo wing. Which means it also marks the
50th anniversary of that celery stick nobody wants.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Monday Night, March 10
Here's a study that probably didn't need to take place. According to the annual
traffic scorecard report, L.A. has the worst traffic in America. L.A. residents
spend 17 hours more than average sitting in traffic. How can we have the worst
traffic and the most high-speed chases? Wouldn't one cancel the other out?
Next week in Denver there's a job fair that will cater exclusively to the
cannabis industry. Fifteen marijuana-related businesses will be hiring people
for a variety of job openings. It's a little different. These companies actually
test to make sure you are on drugs.
The fair will take place on March 13. It starts around 3-ish, whatever, dude.
Attendance is free. Although they're expecting to make $600,000 from the bake
sale.
Here's some strange fashion news. According to The New York Times, the monocle
is back in style. Online monocle retailers have increased sales lately. Monocles
are great if you're looking for eyewear that falls into your coffee every time
you sneeze.
Unless you're a “Batman” villain or a giant salted peanut, you should not wear a
monocle.
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Late Night With Seth Meyers
Monday Night, March 10
A new study has named Los Angeles the worst American city for gridlock. While
Portland remains the best American city for dreadlock.
A man in India has set a new world record for fastest nose-typing. I think the
most surprising part of it is that there was an OLD world record for
nose-typing.
New Mexico police arrested a group of students who hid marijuana in a
hollowed-out copy of Stephen King’s “It.” The students said they were just
holding “It” for a friend.
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