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The New Politically Correct Rules For Dummies

Nancy Morgan
March 20, 2007

While I was on vacation last week, someone passed a law against saying the word 'faggot.' Unless you're actually a f.g..t and then I guess it's OK. This law must have been passed by the same people who declared that the words 'nigger' and 'towel-heads' are also illegal. Unless you're black, Muslim or democrat or.. It's all getting very confusing.
I know I didn't vote for any of these new laws and I can't find a record of them anywhere. I don't know how they managed to become the new rules. And yet they keep popping up all over the place. For example, did you know it has been decreed that men and women are now the same? That's right, there are now no differences between the sexes.
It is also now illegal to hurt someone's feelings or say certain words. Oh, and it's also an offense to treat Muslim airline passengers the same as American airline passengers.
These are just a few examples of the new 'rules'. I wouldn't normally pay much attention except for the fact that there are now penalties involved for violating them. And apparently the penalties are quite severe. (I'm still looking but can't seem to find where they're published)
For instance: The penalty for saying the word 'faggot' seems to be voluntary attendance at the rehab of your choice followed by lifelong parole. And there is no way to get this violation taken off your record. (Unless you're a democrat, a Kennedy, gay, enrolled in a Queer Studies program, or the head of Code Pink)

Failure to acknowledge or show proper penance for uttering the word 'faggot' includes, but is not limited to, loss of work and/or livelihood. For example, if you're a writer, your columns will be pulled. If you're an entertainer, sponsors will abandon you. Other penalties include 'show trials' where your former friends line up to denounce you thus cementing their membership in the new morally self righteous majority.
Offending the language police, however, is still a misdemeanor. I think. (I still can't find the right rule book) However, violating the law against challenging current orthodoxy, as defined by the left, is a far worse offense with greater penalties.
I'm pretty sure that implying that men and women might be genetically different is a felony. As is being a global warming denier. Both of these are big time infractions and the penalties match the crime. As far as I've been able to ascertain, implying any difference between men and women carries a $50 million penalty and loss of one's job and reputation. Even if you're the president of a university.
For implying that global warming might not be caused by man, one loses financial grants, credibility, and if CNN gets their way, loss of professional certification. Oh, and if you live in Washington State, you get fired. In addition, you will forever carry the stigma of somehow being complicit in the Holocaust. Go figure.
A few other laws that have passed without notice include: Making a joke about Muslims, acknowledging suspicious activity if the suspicious person is Muslim and calling homosexuality 'immoral.' Penalties vary depending on  party affiliation, race, gender, sexual orientation and education.
A big no-no is getting caught with more prescription medication than is deemed necessary (unless you're Patrick Kennedy or Anna Nicole). Also, you could be in big doo-doo if you vote in the wrong precinct, (unless you're an illegal alien). In addition, you should definitely check the fine print if you want to fire your attorney. And if by chance you've been slandered, it's best not to try and correct the public record (unless you're a covert CIA agent). And please keep in mind at all times that any crimes against the environment will be dealt with most harshly.
It's hard to keep track of these new laws. Forgive me if I'm not abreast of the most current interpretations. My only excuse is, I have a life. But one should know that ignorance is no excuse. Unless you learn these new rules you're at extreme risk. The only exceptions allowed are for liberals, gays, blacks, victims, pedophiles, democrat politicians, Ph.D.'s, feminists and/or tenured professors. Oops, I almost forgot... if you're officially certified as 'carbon neutral' you're also given a pass. (Please note that official certification is offered only by AlGore's firm)
Before you get too depressed, let me assure you that there is a silver lining. The good news is it's still only a misdemeanor to acknowledge God in the public square. More good news? Well, the rules against holding blacks accountable seem to be relaxing of late (but only if you're black). Also, the penalties have been removed for implying AIDS is a 'gay' disease. No-one much cares now that the cause du jour has switched to environmentalism.
In addition, it's still OK to criticize Mormons, Christians and white males (unless they're gay). And you'll be glad to know 'kike' has been taken off the list of banned words. Also, if you're intent on empowering yourself, it's OK to revere your vagina in public and for you guys out there, you should know that 'shame' has been abolished. It's now OK to impregnate the woman of your choice and the government will pick up the tab. Is this a great country or what?
I know having different sets of rules for different groups of people can be very confusing. But that's OK. I've been told my confusion stems from the fact that I live in flyover country, don't have a Ph.D., and am a conservative instead of being just plain stupid. Whew.

I'm pretty sure that the 'elites' know what's best. The 'greater good' and all that. Besides, I've been assured time and again that these new rules are by far the best way to achieve true diversity in our multicultural society. And also to keep the planet from melting.
On the bright side, a very credible source, the Supreme Court no less, has deemed that these rules will only be necessary for another 24 years. Or until someone changes them. Or adds to them. Or they could be in effect for just as long as we continue to obey them.

Post Comment

Posted by Akerhernhouse 3-23-07

You hit the nail on the head. Suddenly the word faggot seems destined for hate crime status. Even Michael Medved referred to it as the "F word" when talking about Ann Coulter's comments. Give me a break, I thought the term "F word" was already taken. I guess we'll start having to assign numbers as designators F1, F2 etc...When will the insanity stop?

Posted by jreynolds 3-20-07

More good news... You're still permitted to criticize another person for public display of limited intelligence. I'd suggest you avoid flaunting.

Posted by stevekee 3-23-07

Hi Nancy, Bravo! Kudos to you. You couldn't have said it better. I support your thoughts 100%. Keep up your good work. Remember, the 'good guys (and girls)' always win in the end. Steve

Posted by Par6791 3-29-07

I agree with the statements about the word-nazi's. It's getting out of control when certain words are banned from everyone except liberals and those being victimized. I'm a conservative teenager, one of the few with a brain in my generation. I think if black people can make the "n-word" EVERY word in their songs then why can't we say it in an unharmful jest? And the word "faggot" doesn't even mean gay. It's been taken completely out of context by the Democrats. It's like they're calling Edwards gay


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